The Beret -- Does It Make Me Look Sexy?

This is Lisa.  Lisa seems to surprise easily as she didn't REALLY think The Sarge was going to take this picture OR air the "ambush" interview about whether or not the beret makes The Sarge look sexy.  She still must like The Sarge anyway, because he still works missions at Camp Roberts!

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So this is what the new, smaller beret looks like on me -- does it make me look any more sexy?

So the Army has finally issued me the controversial beret.  I originally asked for one in the size that was stamped inside the hat I had been wearing for at least a year.  But after being told by nearly EVERYBODY -- including the Headquarters Company Commander -- that my beret didn't look right on me because it was TOO big, I took the old one back to supply and asked for a smaller one.


The supply clerk gave me the one he had been working on, only to discover it was too big for him. He had shaved it (as originally issued, they are fuzzy like a sweater), formed it to the head (by getting it wet and shrinking it), and cut the ends off both sides of the thingie that make the "flash" (that patch thing on the front there -- which is supposed to closely approximate the flag of the Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army... you may read that to say "George Washington"... at the time of it's victory at Yorktown)(in the center is the 40th Infantry Division crest, by the way) stand-up.

Now MY question is: WHY does the Army issue an article of uniform that has to be ordered 3/4-to-one-full-size SMALLER than the hat size you usually wear, shaved with a razor to look less-fuzzy, dipped in hot water to make it shrink even MORE so it conforms to the outline of your head, and have two-thirds of the front support device cut-out so you can get this crease-effect across the back and a proper-looking "flip" across the front and side -- before it looks "right?"

Now if you applied the same logic to a car, you'd have to buy a Cadillac in order to get a Firebird or Camero...

And to WEAR it, you have to grasp it in the front as you pull the flop down and the flap firmly over, making sure the flash doesn't move-off being centered over your left eye while you're pulling on it -- it takes fewer steps to take-off in a 747. Then, to make sure it is seated properly, you have to run your hand around the around the edges to remove creases and stroke it all around the top like you would a cat -- except a cat would claw your eyeballs out if you spent THAT much time petting it.

I wonder if Monica Lewinsky had this much fun with HER beret -- you know -- the one Bill liked so much?  And suddenly the Army gets a beret.  Coincidence? I don't think so...

Of course, Ethel, The Mistress of Mirth, thinks THIS would be a better replacement for the beret -- after all, it IS universally-recognized and respected nearly everywhere (well, in WESTERN cultures, anyway).  And you HAVE to admit that it really DOES draw in the women -- two weeks a year, anyway...

Beware, Marshmallow-Hat-Head -- The Sarge-at-Large will get you, if you don't watch out!