CAMP ROBERTS, Calif. (Eeek) - Total war was declared this afternoon by Staff Sgt. Tom Murotake against the "forces of evil" in Building 2002 at this military base, located 250 miles north of Los Angeles.
"The situation is intolerable. I will not stand such insults and attacks on the authority of my office," Murotake said. "They can run, but they cannot hide."
Murotake signed a work order today, ordering the call-up of forces from the Department of Public Works to assist him in the "total annihilation of 'The Furry Ones' " from his office following a combined attack on both the box of creamer packets, his desk and his coffee mug.
"The Furry Ones -- that great axis of destruction -- must be eliminated from this Earth," Murotake said. "The al-Queso terrorists must learn they cannot terrify innocent desktops, coffee mugs and coffee creamers."
The al-Queso terrorist mice, which more recently banded together with the larger indigenous fanatical ruling mouse organization, the Taila-band, has formed into a cohesive paramilitary unit, bringing havoc and destruction on the Public Affairs Office in Building 2002.
"At first, they were just an annoyance -- even 'cute,' in a way," Murotake said. "I could even tolerate their little droppings on my desk. But when they brought that unspeakable horror to my coffee cup, well, I just knew something had to be done."
The full weight of the United States Army is being brought to bear against the Taila-band and al-Queso forces.
"This evening, we deployed our most lethal weapon yet -- the glue trap with food lure," Murotake said. "We had previously deployed the glue trap, thinking it had a food or sex lure on it, but were mistaken, which probably explains the relatively small number of causalities in the opening days of the conflict. We have enhanced the effectiveness of this weapon of mouse-destruction by using enriched creamer substances. We know, given the destruction visited upon the creamer supply, that it is an irresistible lure."
Asked why a food lure was preferable to a sex lure, Murotake replied, "These are mice -- not men. As well, we have reason to believe that both the al-Queso and Taila-band forces have females in their ranks, and as everyone knows, the only thing a male has on his mind is sex, so a sex lure would work with the male, but would not necessarily be as effective against the females."
Murotake did not entirely rule-out the use of a sex lure, however. "The United States is committed to its pledge not to be the first to engage in sex warfare. However, if we are provoked into fighting the dirtiest kind of war, we are ready to do so." Murotake blamed the Taila-band for spreading sexual innuendo and disinformation concerning an alleged relationship he has with rock singer Stevie Nicks, formerly of Fleetwood Mac fame. He also blamed al-Queso agents for an "e.e. cummings tap attack" on the keyboards of office computers, causing them to display pornographic images, and for using office telephones to order subscriptions to "Playboy" magazine at government expense.
"The al-Queso and Taila-band Furry Ones are testing our patience and resolve," Murotake said. "We will respond in kind, if these unprovoked attacks using sex lures continues. We are prepared to deploy both Mickey AND Minnie Mouse." No US personnel were believed injured in any sex lure attacks by the al-Queso or Taila-band.
In a shocking announcement, Murotake also hinted that US forces may be forced to resort to biological weapons if the glue traps fail to work.
"In conjunction with our allies in the Dining Facility here at Camp Roberts, we are negotiating to obtain a truly horrible weapon of mouse-destruction," he said. "If The Furry Ones do not cease all attacks and activities and the weapons at our disposal should prove to be inadequate, we are ready and willing to use biological weapons against the al-Queso and Taila-band forces wherever they may be hiding -- we will deploy the Dining Facility Cat."
A spokesmouse for the al-Queso could not be reached for comment. However, Mousamar al-Squeak, ambassador to Mouseastan from Squeekganistan for the Taila-band, said that Murotake was "a lying Pentagon puppet. He lies. You can tell he lies. He's in Public Affairs. His lips are moving."